About a year ago my wife and I moved into a “retirement community for active, residents 55 and older.” One of my thirthysomething friends came to help us get settled and made an interesting observation: “This is a nice place but call it what it is. You live in an old peoples’ home.” Soon we learned that the average age is 84, several residents are over 100, and people close to 55 are nowhere to be seen. We had considered our move carefully, wanted to downsize while we could do it ourselves, undoubtedly made the right decision, and have no desire to leave. But the move stimulated our thinking about adjusting to life events and experiences that come at every age and often aren’t what we expected. Here’s part of what we’re learning.
- Accept what comes to your life, even when you feel like a square peg in a round hole because you don’t fit. Acceptance does not always mean endless frustration or passive submission. We all know people with unanticipated health or career changes who may resist, but who rise to the occasion, accept reality, and mobilize themselves to adapt, thrive, and move on as best they can. God is not surprised at our circumstances. He creates at least some of them, and uses them for good.
- Develop an attitude of thankfulness. My wife and I are blessed. For example, many of our neighbors have disabilities that we don’t have. We can go places because we have a car. Others do not.
- Strongly resist complaining, self-pity, cynicism or bitterness. A lot of this starts in high school and college age years (or later), develops over time, and creates bitter old people that nobody likes.
- Don’t withdraw. Some residents here have different beliefs, values, and attitudes than we do. Many have a backwards-looking perspective. But everyone responds when we show friendliness and genuine interest. So let your light shine where you are. Remember the cliché: bloom where you are planted.
- Keep fresh. I read broadly. I hang out with younger people, especially students, who are optimistic and like thinking about the future. Respect others, even of they differ from you.
Do you remember Winnie the Pooh? “What time of life is this?” Pooh could have asked. It doesn’t have to be your favorite time. But even tough times can have positive aspects, especially for Christians. What would you add to the above suggestions?
We all know this. The week around New Year’s Day is about reflecting on events of the year that is passing and thinking about the year that’s ahead. New years’ resolutions, goal setting, plans and expectations all come to our attention. They concern individuals, families and careers. Often they are a focus of companies, ministries, and organizations. These reflections and resolutions are not bad. They motivate us to action but there is research evidence that they rarely work very well to bring permanent change. Many involve trying to eliminate long-engrained habits that have lodged in the synapses and neural pathways of of our brains.
In case you are wondering, I rarely make resolutions. But I do spend time reflecting, setting goals for the year ahead, and initiating behavior changes that hopefully will stick. All of this is taken seriously but I plan the future lightly, aware that unforeseen circumstances can disrupt our best developed plans and recognizing that God alone knows what’s ahead.
During this past year, I’ve thought increasingly about the attitudes that influence so much of what we do. Most of us know people who seem super bitter, cynical, critical or engulfed in similar sour mindsets. These ways of thinking rarely accomplish anything. They can pull us into discouragement, perpetual anger, and sometimes hopelessness or despair. And they alienate everyone who hears the complaining.
When I was in graduate school a few of us spent a day with Victor Frankl, the Jewish psychiatrist to survived a Nazi prison camp. He watched fellow prisoners die because they had no hope. In contrast, those who survived had found meaning, despite their circumstances. (The quotation on the left comes from Frankl). Whatever comes in the new year will be met with some kind of attitude. Perhaps a positive perspective should be part of our new year’s plans and resolutions. That’s especially true for those of us who live with awareness of God’s ultimate control, care, and reason for hope
What do you think? Please comment.
Last week’s newsletter (#628) left me unsettled even though I wrote it. Looking back, it seems that the tone was too negative, presenting only one side of the book-publishing story. That newsletter was stimulated by comments in a business magazine that correctly pointed out the small and disappointing payoffs for the time and energy invested by most authors. This extends beyond books and includes the writing of blogs, newsletters, magazine articles and contributions to professional journals. We noted the difficulties of producing writing that is clear, unique and interesting. The newsletter alluded to the challenge of getting one’s written work published, marketed and then purchased.
But last week’s newsletter pushed me to re-evaluate my reasons for writing books at all, looking for the positives as well as what’s negative. From there I moved to doing something similar for my coaching and teaching. These were helpful exercises, building on a belief that periodically we all need to look critically at our work and calling. The negatives are easy to remember but a written list of the positives can be good to review whenever we are tired, discouraged, or tempted to quit.
Here’s a personal example. I continue writing because this:
- Provides the most effective way for me to impact others and to fulfill my life mission,
- Is an area of competence for me, a God-given ability, seemingly one of my spiritual gifts,
- Is one of the best ways for me to keep learning and be able to make decisions,
- Lets me be innovative and creative,
- Is something that I feel compelled to do, like some of you who are artists, teachers, or mentors and know in your hearts what you need to be doing.
In contrast to these reasons for writing, my thinking about teaching and coaching is producing different lists. If your work involves counseling, ministry, running a business or leading an organization, your lists would be different. But each list can help you decide whether to stay the course, change direction or refine what you are doing.
There is much in life that can’t or shouldn’t be changed. But reflective re-evaluations can increase our effectiveness and sense of fulfillment as we rethink our motives, abilities, competencies and circumstances. The same applies to our clients. Without ignoring the negatives, what is good about what you do in your life or career? Please leave a comment.
This week I joined probably thousands of others in filling out a questionnaire as part of the International Coach Federation (ICF) Global Coaching Survey 2015. The survey is being distributed in 9 languages and you are invited to complete one of the questionnaires by going to www.CoachingSurvey2015.com.
One question asks respondents to identify the niches or specialties where we like to do most of our coaching. Have you noticed how you have fallen into some specialties, perhaps because of how others perceive you or how you identify yourself? For me, that’s helping others go through transitions, finding new life or career directions, adjusting to unanticipated change or making progress in reaching their God-given potential. I’ve been going through some of this personally right now so I appreciate the challenge of shaping the future and not being swept up by the expectations or perspectives of others. How, then, can we help ourselves and our clients shape their futures? Here are some suggestions. I know most of you will think of others.
- Look to evidence of God’s leading, through Scripture, prayer and other sources.
- Ask close friends or other respected counselors who know you, listen openly, challenge you, and help you think things through.
- Take time for reflection. For you that might involve solitude and journaling.
- Look at the options and be realistic, but also be optimistic.
- Look for the positives in your situation. They’re always there.
- Don’t dwell on negative influences or circumstances. These can pull you down.
- Make a habit of gratitude for what you have, including possibities.
- Be encouraging with yourself, your clients and others. This lifts everybody up.
- Rigidly resist bitterness and complaining. Remember that bitter old men and old women start out by being bitter younger people.
- Same with resisting cynicism. This can be humorous and self-righteous flaunting for a while but it never forms the basis of a healthy future.
- Honestly accept what you had that might be gone – your health, for example, hoped for opportunities or a trusted relationship.
- Take an honest look at what you have and what you can do. Build on this.
- Keep connected with encouragers who lift your spirits. For me that’s often younger, forward-looking people, including students.
- Always be gracious.
- Never stop learning. Be proactive in this.
- Now please take a couple of minutes to comment and tell us what you would add.
Last December I took an on-line seminar that promised to make this my best year ever. The main message was about setting goals for the year along with deadlines and plans for achieving success. There was not much new in the presentations but the information was solid and similar to what coaches, teachers, and counselors urge for others and try to implement in themselves. Perhaps not surprising, the seminar seemed to assume that each of us is in control of our own lives and careers. Overlooked was the fact that goal-setting can fly out the window when we encounter the crises, unexpected health issues, career disruptions, or other unpredictable detours and roadblocks that are the reality of our lives.
A recent article in the Wall Street Journal (April 7, 2015) reported research studies showing how physical health and mental well-being are both impacted by the ways we frame life crises and shattered dreams. In one study adults were asked to tell their life stories. Each was evaluated in terms of several themes that emerged and were described with somewhat confusing academic titles. The first of these we might prefer to call sense of control in which subjects felt able to influence and respond to life events. The next, connection means how much people are in contact and association with others. Third, positive perspectives refer to the degree to which we can take negative experiences and find positive sides to our new realities. People with these characteristics had lower levels of depression, higher levels of life satisfaction, and greater psychological and social well-being when compared with those who focused on self-pity, bitterness, and whatever was negative.
This reframing is central to what have been called personal narratives: the stories we tell ourselves and try to live out, especially when our life-plans and goal-setting are barricaded. In addition to the sense of control, connection, and positive perspectives, other research found that personal narratives help most when we:
- Openly acknowledge what has happened.
- Accept the new realities,
- Reframe the ways in which we view life circumstances and events (sometime bad things can have positive outcomes,)
- Resist dwelling on the negative,
- Determine to change whatever is changeable, and
- Believe and live out our new life stories.
Have you or your associates had experiences where this applies? Where does God fit into this analysis? Please comment.
If you want to know what another person really believes and values then look at his or her actions. There is nothing profound about that statement. It’s a variation of the old cliché that actions speak louder than words. I wondered if I’d get a similar message from Kerry and Chris Shook’s recent book Be the Message: Taking Your Life Beyond Words to a Life of Action. But the reviews nudged me to read this book, written by a pastoral couple who are tired of sermons and a Christianity that is mostly about talking.
This book is a personal reflection written from a Christian perspective but with practical ideas that extend far beyond churchgoers. Consider three examples:
- Holy Disturbance sounds more theological than it is. This is something that “bothers you enough to make you consider moving out of your comfort zone to become part of the solution.” It’s an area so disturbing and persistent that we are compelled to act. We find this by looking at our life experiences, the people or events around us, and the injustices or areas of ignorance we see and want to change. Often a holy disturbance emerges when we take time to reflect and listen for God’s nudges or for the observations of friends. Sometimes we know what we need to be doing but resist because of fear or lethargy.
- The Valley of the Overwhelmed. This involves trying to do more than we can handle, sometimes because we see no alternative. Many people have big dreams to change the world. Nothing wrong with that. But “you can’t change the world by stepping over the people closest to you.” What small steps can you take, starting in your own home or neighborhood? Sometimes those small steps make the most lasting difference.
- Being the Message. That is the theme of the book. Sometimes doors of opportunity open that impact huge numbers of people. More often we impact the world through the lives we live, “being real and authentic, uniquely reflecting the message of Jesus to people who cross our paths every day.” We impact the world by who we are, how we respond in times of crises, react to the needs around us, or follow our areas of holy disturbance.
Is this too simple? Maybe. But there are times when we need to go back to the basics. Please share your experiences or comments.
I don’t know when or why I started collecting nativity sets. Apart from books, I’m not a collector of anything, but over the years I’ve acquired nativity sets from all over the world. Many reflect the ethnic and cultural diversities of the countries from which they have come. Some reflect the craftsmanship of the skilled or amateur creators of the pieces in my collection.
At first I would unpack my nativity sets every year and include them as a part of our Christmas decorations. But then the collection got a little too big and getting them all out took too much time. So every December I started pulling out a few at random, displaying these, and keeping the rest packed away. This year the nativity sets are all packed away. The Christmas decorations are in storage along with our furniture until we move into a new residence in a few weeks.
On this early Christmas morning when these words are being written, I’ve been thinking how often Jesus gets pushed out of our celebrations. We acknowledge that this is a time of year to commemorate his birth and give thanks. But like those nativity sets, he gets packed away behind the clutter and hyperactivity. We want to have Jesus at some place in our families, lives and careers but for various reasons he is nowhere to be seen. Sometimes people like me drive for success, obsess over meeting the expectations, ethics and often picky rules of our professions, but too often forget that we are followers of Jesus. Where do Jesus go?
My wife and I rarely send out Christmas letters but this year we did. What we mailed to a few friends applies equally to you who read these newsletters. Here is a part of what we wrote:
Most who read this note identify as followers of Jesus Christ. To you, we send our warmest best wishes for a Christ-honoring Christmas as we celebrate the Savior’s birth. To our friends who believe differently we wish you the peace that comes from Christ and are glad that you, too, can celebrate this joyful holiday that began as a Christian celebration. To all of you we send our greetings and good wishes for a happy new year. We are glad we can keep in touch like this.